


Cosmos Gemstone and the Long Way Home

by CrayolaRainbow



Category: Kaleidotrope (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, idk man the discord asked for crack and crack they will get, missed being the first crack in the fandom by this much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 11:02:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16742755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrayolaRainbow/pseuds/CrayolaRainbow
Summary: Where is his spaceship?That is the question that dogs Cosmos now. He has bigger things to handle, he knows. Loose ends to tie up, people to save, and a melting planet to reckon with. But even while planet-sized tragedies weigh him down, the one that concerns him the most is much closer to home... and while he tries to solve his disappearing spaceship act, all he has to keep him company is a bunch of Earthlings and loud 21st century pop music.Welcome to this fic, dear reader. I hope you don't mind that I've totally ripped off the Penumbra with this description.





	Cosmos Gemstone and the Long Way Home

**Author's Note:**

> Um. Y'all wanted crack, so here you go. I make no apologies. I typed this all up on my phone, which refused to capitalize earth or earthlings, so I left it because I thought it was funny. A third of this is just ripped straight from the podcast, so if you ever get confused at who's talking, just go re-listen to the episode, I guess. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ I hope you enjoy!

It’s Stardate -304100.1175481988, which doesn’t make any Goddamn sense, because last I checked it was Stardate 7343298.872727273, which would mean that I’ve time traveled? This seems unlikely, but it must be true.

I’m shit at math so I have no idea what this translates to in earth dates, but going by my surroundings, I seem to either be in the late 1800s in America, or literally any time in between then and the Zolmeck infestation of 7864. 

Well shit. That means it’s going to be a helluva lot harder to find the Granula 8000.

The names Pluto Silver. Or maybe it’s Flint Lock? I think I’ll stick with Jupiter Metallic. Yeah, Jupiter Metallic sounds good.

The names Jupiter Metallic and I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I suppose if it’s likely that I’m on Earth pre First Contact, then I should probably follow the first directive: Do No Harm. Right. Do no harm. How hard can that be.

“Hey, watch it dude!”

I pull my blaster out on instinct and point it at the individual who dares run into me.

“Hey, hey, hey, watch where you point that thing okay?”

They’ve put their hands in the air in surrender. Excellent. Now I can question them and find out where they’ve hidden my spaceship.

“Hidden your spaceship? Are you okay dude, you keep talking to yourself.”

How the hell does he understand my Brahmese? Judging by his atrocious fashion it must be the early 2000s, which means that earth is nowhere near reaching Brahma for another several millennia.

“Brahmese? What the hell are talking about dude, you’re speaking Russian. Are you a Russian spy?! Are you working for Putin?!”

“Russia? Spy? What the hell are you talking about! Take me to my spaceship or I’ll shoot.”

“All right, all right, I’ll take you to your spaceship. Just don’t shoot me okay.”

“I make no promises.”

The human leads me down the path, towards one of the larger buildings in the plaza. This building sticks out like a sore thumb amongst the other structures. It’s huge, and unlike the rest of the buildings, this one is quite literally covered in spray paint. Not that you can really see it underneath the huge banner that reads ‘Sock Hop, inside!’ and the hundreds of streamers draped across the wall. Even the bushes are decorated, and it looks like we’re walking on thousands of rose petals as the human leads me towards the entrance of the building.

The human leads me inside and it’s even more garish as the outside. Everything in the entry hall is bathed in a pink light and there are roses everywhere you look. The muffled early 21st century pop music is an affront to my ears and I have to stop myself from covering them. I have to remind myself that all information is precious and any little thing could be the key to getting home.

“Okay, spaceman, your spaceship is right through there.”

The human opens the door and I curl into myself as the wall of sound washes over me. Why the hell do early 21st century humans insist on playing their music so loud? Don’t they know it’s bad for their ears? I barely have the chance to form these thoughts before I feel myself being pushed forward and hear the metal door slam behind me.

“What the hell?”

I turn to look behind me and the human is no longer there. Well shoot. Guess I’m on my own then. I scan the room, hoping to find some sort of sign of my spaceship.

A ha! There, against the far wall of the room is what looks to be some sort of command post. Excellent. I try to make myself more presentable as I march over, give a little shine to my helmet visor, adjust my coat so it flaps dramatically behind me, that sort of thing.

“Excuse me, but I think there’s been some sort of mistake.”

“Uh-“

“What kind of a mistake?” The one in the rose patterned dress asks.

“There is no spaceship here.”

“What?” The one in the button up asks.

“I have to ask- have you been sending me any coded messages? Because you haven’t been following any of the accepted codes.”

“Coded messages?” Asks the rose earthling.

“Who are you?” The buttoned up one asks.

“The name’s Flintlock. Grey Flintlock.”

“Sorry?” The buttoned up one seems rather out of it to be running a command center.

“But you can call me Pluto Silver!”

“Pluto Silver?”

“Or do you like Jupiter Metallic better?”

“Do I like it better?”

“In some parts I’m known as Zero. Blaine Zero.”

"In what parts?”

“Well if I’m being honest, all of them. All the parts.”

“What is happening.”

“You can also refer to me as Brawn. Brawn Chaser.”

“I’m gonna need a chaser after this conversation.”

“I haven’t been able to find my spaceship. I came through the Space-Time portal expecting to be able to get to the working version of the Granula 8000 in order to fly it back _through_ the portal in order to transport thousands of citizens off the melting planet Zardulon before it fully evaporates, only there _was_ no Granula 8000.

“How do you _lose_ a spaceship?”

“ _That’s_ what you focused on in all of that?” Asks the rose earthling.

“I _told_ you, I came through a Space-Time portal, I don’t have time for this, lives are at stake.” Honestly, these earthlings really need to keep up.

“Listen, Cosmos Gemstone. Look around you. You’re at a sock hop. There are no spaceships here. And the planet’s not melting. Well, the planet is melting, but not in the way you’re talking about.”

“Are you _sure?_ ” 

“I think your Space-Time portal dropped you off in the wrong place.”

“I guess that’s possible.” Although I really hope it’s not true.

“ _But_ while you’re here, you should get yourself a rose and enjoy the dance.”

“You want me to dance while Zardulon is _melting?!_ ” These gentlemen must be out of their minds. I can’t do that! Lives are at stake!

“I would just really enjoy it if we could find a way to end this conversation.”

“ _Look._ You said you went through a space-time portal, so whatever time zone you’re in right now, it’s different from the one which thousands of people are burning to death or whatever. So while you’re here, you might as well cut footloose is all I’m saying.” Says the rose covered earthling.

“Cut foot loose.” I have no idea what the earthing is talking about.

“Look bruv-“

“Brawn.”

“Dancing while the planet melts is kinda what we earthlings do best, so join the local culture.”

“I guess. Hey, can I borrow that Cosmos Gemstone name? That was pretty good.”

“Knock yourself out.”

“Hey, uh. Space... Dude?” A female earthling has walked up and tapped me on the shoulder.

“Why yes, Miss- Earthling?”

“Wendy. I’m Wendy.”

“Wendy, I’m… Cosmos.”

“Haha. Right…”

“It’s a name in progress.”

“Well… would you care to progress to the dance floor? You can tell me how you got your name.”

“Ah, well, it’s an interesting story actually. I believe I have these much to learn from these two gentlemen who head up your earth command center.”

“You mean… those two.” She seems confused by them, just like I was at first.

“They seem young but very self assured.”

“Haha. Sure, space cowboy. Come on.” Wendy leads me to the dance floor. 

We dance for one song before I take my leave. As much fun as this "Sock Hop" is, I really do need to save the citizens of Zardulon.

I pull out my scanner as I head outside, the cold night air a refreshing reprieve from the warm stuffy air inside. The scanner is silent as I slowly turn in a circle, before making a loud beeping noise as I point it in what must be the direction of another Space-Time portal. I follow it across the plaza, and into a brick building covered in vines. Inside it is harder to follow, as there is no direct path to the portal. I confess I get lost at a few points, but quickly find my way through the shelves of books to the source.

The scanner takes me all the way to the very back of the rows of books to a little door in the wall beeping louder and louder the farther in I get. I open the door to reveal a creepy crawly space. I walk through the dark tunnel, following the scanner to a weird alcove. There’s a crack in the wall big enough to crawl through, and the scanner points right inside. Unfortunately the hole is nowhere near big enough to fit any spaceship, let alone one the size of the Granula 8000, but it is big enough for me. Hopefully this time I’ll end up where the Granula 8000 actually is, and not some strange 21st century command center.

I brave the spiders, the scanner practically shrieking now as I get closer and closer to the portal.

This mission may not have been a success in the traditional sense, but I had an enjoyable time, for the most part. No one died, I did no harm. All and all, it was a success in my book.

My name is Cosmos Gemstone, and this is the end of my log. Over and out.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to follow me @to-dork-oki on tumblr.


End file.
